Routine Jokes

You know why morning food digests so quickly.

Because it breaks fast.

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

When I get naked in the bathroom... the shower usually gets turned on!

How does an Indian open his car?

"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)

I love going to sleep at night.

Reasons for having a shower

A pie chart shows that the main reason for taking a shower is to have 10 minutes to think about everything that's gone wrong in your life. Only a small sliver of the chart is dedicated to nice warm water and getting clean.

Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.

One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

The toothbrush says, "I have the worst job in the whole world."

The toilet paper behind him says, "Yeah, right."

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:

Sit-ups: 50

Push-ups: 40

Squats: 30

Do 5 sets.

What is a good night sleep? I love it when you walk home and walk home from school and walk home and walk home from home and walk home and get a good night walk and walk home from school and walk home from school and walk home from school and walk home from school and walk home from...