Mom: Son, get up for school.
Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!
How does an Indian open his car?
"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)
I love going to sleep at night.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning
Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:
Sit-ups: 50
Push-ups: 40
Squats: 30
Do 5 sets.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
Habit.
Why didnβt the autistic boy like Minecraft?
There was a new texture pack.
I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"
Good morning
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
Hey guys, I use toilet paper.
I did a walk through and walk home from school, and I got home.
If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?
What time is it when you walk out to the school?
Time to go to school!
