I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
Bye, I'm Paul Badman. Did you know that you don't have rights? The Articles of Confederation say you don't, and so do I. I believe that until proven innocent, every woman, man, and adult in this country is guilty. And that's why I don't fight for you, Santa Fe!
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent. And that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!
Hey girl are you an orphan? Oh that’s right I’m your daddy.
Been watching smackdown dvds and I'm so erect right now. I'm so bricked up.
*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: You're doing standup tonight right?* Noob Joker (you): *Yes I am!* Owner: Get onto the stage Me: *walks up stage* Owner: this is the standup comedian noobpro Me: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SOME DONALD TRUMP Crowd: *RUNS*
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist? Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older. || 20 YEARS LATER || Johnny: Mom now can you tell me why cuss words exist? Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them. Johnny: Damn Mom you shoulda told me that when I was still seven cuz now I really feel like that person.
Your friend lost his left arm and After getting Out of the hospital you ask him if he’s OK He says yeah I’m all RIGHT
doctor: I will deliver the baby right away Dad: I would the baby to have a liver
i thought you were just raising your eyebrow but I checked x-ray and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right
i heard guns kill people, so i gave up my right to own one.
Then i heard dicks rape people, so i chopped it off.
“I’m going through a lot of things right now,” I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.
they put the woman's rights in the fantasy section in the library
Deals is bully right Denise like a bully type of rock is a piggy
You know that i drink water right? I drink water bc of i am water water is water
me so cutie right
Oil and Ass Big Phat Wet Ass Orgy 2 Bubble Butt Bonanza 2 Big Bubble-Butt Cheerleaders 2 Big Wet Butts 5 There Will Be Cum 9 Mandingo Rocks That Ass Big Butts Like It Big 2 Blowjob Ninjas 5 Keep It Right There 2 Big Wet Brazilian Asses! 6
This page is for fat jokes, right? Well, I am breaking the mold! Yo Mama so fat! That's not a Joke it's True.*
P.S If your mom is actually fat, then I am sorry that I don't care.
When I was younger i went to an indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the Cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to "hold it properly". So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.
