Retail jokes

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

When was the first Black Friday?

1619.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

I feel bad for shopping carts. They're always being pushed around.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.

You know if you go to Wal-Mart, and go to the milk section, you might just find your dads.

What's a pirate's favorite shop?

Arrrrrrrrgos.

What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11? Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?

They're both dead...

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

I'm starting a clown shoe store.

It's no small feat! :oD

I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.

Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.