Religion Jokes

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜

Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.

Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?

Because God doesn't punish someone twice.

Hm.

The meme shows three sets of stick figures. The first set shows a brown and a yellow person. The second set shows a pink and a blue person with a number 10 and 36 inside of them respectively. The third set shows a pink and a blue person with a cross and star of David in them, respectively. Above these images is the text "Love is Love. Not Race, Not Age, Not Religion." The bottom part of the image shows a closeup of the pink person with the number 10 and the blue person with the number 36, followed by a frame of an angry cartoon fish.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.

It's important to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.

*looks up*

Oh, never mind.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

I apologise for this joke lmfaooo, and you have probably heard this banger before, anyways;

What is the difference between a priest and a zit? 👀 The zit waits till you are 13 to come on your face 🤧

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?

They both erupt when triggered.

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"