Religion jokes

What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?

Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.

Does it cycle now?

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

What do angels serve at birthday parties in Heaven?

Angel food cake! 🎂🥳

Jesus is great because Jesus is good. Amen.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

Your grandmother died because she fell on the highest floor of the hotel. Your grandfather died because he got shot while saving your mother. If he didn't save your mother, you wouldn't be here.

You grew up in a world full of viruses. You wanted the virus to be gone. There's only one way, but you have to know it. I can't tell it for you.

Your mother got Covid-19. You prayed and prayed all night, hoping that she would be okay. The next day, the doctors went to your house without your mother. You asked, "Where is my mother?!" The doctors said, "Your mother is gone, so we came here to tell you." The doctors left. Another hour, you were thinking while crying, "Why was my prayer not working? Lord, why'd you let me down?"

You searched on Google "How to bring back the dead." The Google workers declined it. Your father left you because he loved another girl. Your brothers are still with you, but what if they get the virus? Who will be with you?

Don't forget Jesus is still there for you. Don't give up, keep going, and you will succeed soon. You will find your own family and beat the coronavirus.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.

Now you should let your imagination work... imagine naked Jesus with an erection... and nail holes in his hands...

How does a priest purify water?

Boil the hell out of it!

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

Adam and Eve had 3 male children, the only children on Earth. How did they reproduce?

A boy named Jimmy was riding to Hell to save his brothers and sister. That is the last place he pissed. There came across the Devil.

Part 1

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress up as the altar boy.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)