Religion jokes
What has 2 legs and loves to play with little kids? The local priest.
Yoo! I found a $100 bill, found a child who said they lost their $100 bill. Gave them $25.
When God gives you glory, you give it back.
What do you call an orphan that grows to be a priest?
Fatherless.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
What did Adam say when he saw Eve?
Answer: "Woman!"
Memes
Did Mary Have a Little Lamb?
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.
But one day I realized, they Israel.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
Q. What do you call a Muslim basketball player?
A. Osama Bin Ballin'.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?
"Holy shit, I burnt one."