Religion jokes
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.
What do Jesus and a painting have in common?
They hang by nails.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?
It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.
Did Mary Have a Little Lamb?
The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.
You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.
Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.
Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.
Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.
What did Adam say when he saw Eve?
Answer: "Woman!"
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.
But one day I realized, they Israel.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"