Religion jokes
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).
As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?
Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?
Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"
Science gets you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings.
Religion... That is all.
What do the initials BIBLE stand for?
"Bullshit In Book Lacking Evidence."
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
Why was baptism invented?
How else was a priest supposed to clean his sex toys?
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
What is meals on wheels to a Christian nationalist that is also a conservative Republican politician, a gay man in a wheelchair that is poor and also physically handicapped, and who is also well-endowed?
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
What did the airplane say to the tower? Allahu Akbar!
What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mohammered.
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
Who was the first carpenter?
Eve, she made Adam's banana stand...
A Christian, a Jew, and a Catholic walk into a bar. The Christian says, “Where’s Mohammed?”
What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?
If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
First bite: Oh my God!
Second bite: Oh my, God!