Religion jokes

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

A man decides one day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet or paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud.

"Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot," says the bird.

"Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!"

"I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird.

"Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs."

"Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers."

"Wow, you really understand everything I say, don't you?"

"Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport, and philosophy, and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you."

The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I cannot afford that."

"Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you."

The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What!?" says the man.

"Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth."

"And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?"

"Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere."

"My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?"

"Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down."

"And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams.

"No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick..."

Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!

How do you confuse a ginger?

Throw a cross at them.

A Christian, a Jew, and a Catholic walk into a bar. The Christian says, “Where’s Mohammed?”

What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?

None.

They're both imaginary.

Whats the difference between NASA and religion

NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

There's only one reason our Education Minister is standing by this curriculum.

In her religion, you NEVER pull out.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Heterosexual sodomy is like religion. If you were forced to accept it when you were younger, you probably would not like it when you become an adult.

If you argued that God was a woman, 49.8% of the US population would try and raise Hell.

Just to ask the other guy.

Talk about a male supremacist religion.

What is another word for Arab man who is a Palestinian Muslim?

Palestinian masseur.

Taig

Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?

Computers don’t really have a specific religion.

Are you a Muslim, because you're the bomb?

The only reason communism started was because God looked at your face.