Religion jokes
When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...
But they know you're blind.
Me: uses the crucifix.
Rush: Ahahahahahahæanananana!
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
Q: What do you call a religious Wookie?
A: Jewbacca.
What do the initials BIBLE stand for?
"Bullshit In Book Lacking Evidence."
Yo mama so old, she witnessed Noah building the ark.
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Yo mama so OLD...
Her first Christmas... WAS the FIRST CHRISTMAS!
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized in the ocean.
Yo mama is so old that she had the first written copy of the Bible.
What did the airplane say to the tower? Allahu Akbar!
A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"
And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
These two have been great friends for over 20 years...play golf together...and meet every Tuesday at a classy bar for a glass of wine...talk about golf...good wine and spiritual matters. One day while at the bar enjoying a glass of merlot, the Rabbi raises his glass of wine and says to his long time friend.."brother, do you believe Jesus turned water into wine?"...the Priest thinks for a moment and raises his glass of wine and replies..."yes brother, I do believe Jesus turned water into wine...but don't get excited...since Jesus was Jewish, the wine was probably Manischewitz."
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
What does the Catholic Church and Worstjokesever.com have in common?
They're both full of child groomers.
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
Do you have a halo?
'Cause I can give it to you.