Religion jokes

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

Wow, Heaven's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.

Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...

If prostitution had a tax-exempt status, and if an adult bookstore had a tax-exempt status because of a glory hole, churches would have to do something else to keep their tax-exempt status to avoid the risk of going out of business.

What is a priest's favorite song?

-- Magic Flute in A minor.

What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?

They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.

How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?

A blowjob is anonymous.

Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

What did the choir boy sing to the priest? Nothing, his mouth was full.

What is a reversed exorcism?

It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.