Religion jokes
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.
He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"
God.
Why don't lesbians like dick? Because they don't want their mouths looking like Jesus Christ's hands.
You're so short that I had to ask God why he made you short-ass toothpick legs.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he gets to call someone father.
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.
What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
Why did God create women with pussies?
Because:
1. Of course, God is a man.
2. Of course, he isn't gay.
3. Of course, he is a perv too (for wanting more pussies)!
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
A boy named Jimmy was riding to Hell to save his brothers and sister. That is the last place he pissed. There came across the Devil.
Part 1
What do a priest and Life have in common?
They both get harder when kids are around.
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
It's important to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
Lucifer is caged by Jesus, cuz he got tired of being alone on a pedestal.
I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.
But one day I realized, they Israel.