Religion jokes

Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?

What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?

"Let us pray."

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Florida?

Answer: They wouldn't be able to find "Three Wise Men" or a virgin!

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.

Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"

Me: "Nun."

Bastards can never pray, because they don't have a Holy Father.

God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.

Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.

Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.

Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.

Conclusion: Therefore he exists.

Need an arch? I Noah guy.

Meya eats meat all her sins is go off when she eat meat.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Well... I mean, they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Golly.

Golly who?

Godly leave me alone!

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

When God created mankind, he said, "Damn it! One is off color, the other yellowish. The last one is burnt!"

How do you play chess with a Catholic?

You put a condom on the bishop.

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

The existence of the word "priest" implies the existence of "prier" and "pri".