Relationship jokes
I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
"Herishy, me lava u, why did u leave mee? Wahh wahh baby sharka, doodle do to to babyyy cutie pie..."
You were amazing... Sike I lied, that pussy is dry.
School Rizz:
You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.
I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?
Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.
Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.
Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.
My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
How do you know your Dad's been fucking your sister?
His dick tastes funny...
What's the best thing about having sex with a 26-year-old?
There's 20 of them.
Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!
So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"
The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"
Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!
So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"
So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"