Relationship jokes

What do you do after fucking the loosest pussy ever?

Close the casket.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

What's between a wife and a husband?

A divorce.

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What starts with M, ends with arriage, and is every guy's favorite thing? Miscarriage.

That one never gets old, just like the baby.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

Are you a border? 'Cause I can't get over you.