Relationship jokes

I need a lovely lady to spoil. I have a big dick and a very clean house. Add me now.

Snapchat: @colin_green21

I fucked your mum last night, that she was salty.

What is the difference between you and me? I have parents and yours left...

Alright ALYA and drew ALYA's boyfriend!! Have a good fucking life, I hardly even think drew is real but uk whatever I've passed on but DREW if u fucking wanna beef, I'll fight u bro, ur prob a stick, I'm fucking doing push ups 4 times a week 100 each.

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.

Me: Takes five minutes.

Me: Hun, you done yet?

Your mom is fat, oh yeah, oh yeah, uh, uhhh.

"Hey, is that a peach?"

*gets slapped on the butt*

"Noted."

It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.

What do you get when you cross mums and makeup?

Beauty!

Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.

Are you winter? Because you will be coming soon.

Me: Sister, are you wearing makeup?

My sister wearing all the world's makeup.

Sister: Just a little.

What do women and dog turds have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Dmitriy has no mother.

Coworker, why is Sara so blue?

Is it because Sara wishes she had a man? coworker she always watches you with your husband together out of love. You better watch out dear, she might "saraorize" him, with her crooked teeth and ultra-thin lips.

I got a text from Kb. She said: "Really Gwen said that! Will fine Idc! \"Hurt\""

Thanks a lot, Gwen!

What did the brother say to the other brother? "You are brother, brother."

Gwen, I am not gay. There is some stupid faker online! I swear on my life that I am not!

Btw, if I was gay, then why am I chatting and dating a girl?

Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.

Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.