Relationship jokes
They don't have parents because they left when you were 0.
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.
Women are like towers, the man wants to bang them both.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."
"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's the only good part of your crush dying before you have the chance to bang her?
She can't say no!
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.
It's this girl named Deaf, what a weird name, but I know that 'cause I was ear hustling.
But anyway, everytime I call her, she doesn't answer. I wanna clap some cheeks tonight, how could she hate me when she don't know me?
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A selfie.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
What's the difference between a plane and a woman?
At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.
Girlfriend's ex: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.
Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.