I asked my zombie boyfriend, "Does he have a brain?" Because he's stupid asf.
Hey Gwen, uhhhhhhh, fresfry told me to tell you I like you. Jk, I don't.
"Roses are red, I'm a girl, Now go and take a hike."
*Son comes out as gay*
Me: What's 17 more years?
I need a lovely lady to spoil. I have a big dick and a very clean house. Add me now.
Snapchat: @colin_green21
What do you get when you cross mums and makeup?
Beauty!
Me: Sister, are you wearing makeup?
My sister wearing all the world's makeup.
Sister: Just a little.
Women, you're a marshmallow because you're white, squashy, and everyone sticks their stick inside you.
Are you winter? Because you will be coming soon.
Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?
'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.
When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.
Me: Takes five minutes.
Me: Hun, you done yet?
"Hey, is that a peach?"
*gets slapped on the butt*
"Noted."
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.
EVERYONE:
"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.
My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."
Cancer is like your dad. It only comes back when Blueface baby drops a new album.
