Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.
Girlfriend's ex: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.
Relationship Jokes
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
Why can orphans just be gay?
Cause they want to call somebody "daddy."
Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.
Everyone at the barbecue...
Why can’t orphans be gay?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.
Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.
Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.
I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.
I needn't have bothered.
The next day, it was smeared all over my face.
What's the difference between being gay and straight? Well, it is the hole.
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
The bully says, "Your mom!" The girl says, "Is sleeping with your dad."
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
Do you know why orphans can't get married?
Because they will never get their parents' blessing.
I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD
When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
When your gf tells you to treat her like a queen,
and then you remember you’re French.
