Relationship jokes

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

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So this guy we talked to wanted me to leave forever, and we said, "What? You never want to hear from me again?"

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Little Jonny fucked his mum.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete, she said, "I have one less problem without you."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

1 and 2 fell in love. The 2 said, "You're the only 1 for me!"

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Ur uncle. What? Is ur RBLX gf?