Relationship jokes
Why did the orphan turn gay?
A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?
E.T. can actually call home.
What’s the difference between a mountain and your girl?
At least the mountain has two hills.
Are you Shane Dawson?
Because I can be your pussy.
Memes
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
Why did the orphan take a selfie?
Because he wanted a family portrait.
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.
Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.
Years later:
Dad still did not come back.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
Fun fact: If you're an orphan, you probably don't know your parents.
Me: I fucked your mom.
Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Dear algebra,
I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.
Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
Your mom's my dad. Think about that!
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?
It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.