A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
Relationship Jokes
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
Doctor Seuss break up lines:
"One fish, two fish, blue fish, red fish, I'm breaking up with you, bitch."
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not."
"Not who?"
"Not your dad."
Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
I like my men like I like my coffee: black and hot.
"Jump in the Cadillac, girl, let's put some miles on it."
Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they have no one to call "daddy."
"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
Why is an orphan gay? Because they can call somebody "daddy."
What does a woman call Stormzy in bed?
Stiff chocolate.
Why can’t orphans date?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
Why is my dad gone?
I don't know.
What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt?
You are so butty-ful!
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
