Relationship jokes

Your mom walked into a bar and broke all the furniture.

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.

I f*** my dad. Please help me. 😭😭😭😭

Are you from Tennessee, because I eat ass.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

One day a woman met with a man behind an abandoned shop.

The man asked for some crack.

The woman turned around and said, "Here."

That's where the crack was, you guessed it.

The next day, she wiped it clean, ready for the next guest who "wanted crack."

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"

"Her miscarriage."

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

Ur mom gay.

P = Person (not original "pun")

P1: Hey girl! P2: I got a bf! P1: Well, I got a Lamborghini Aventador, a Bugatti Super Sports, a yacht, and a private plane. P2: BF stand for breakfast. P2: Oh, and also, where did you get all that stuff? P1: GTA5 P2: You motherfucker!!!

(Communications with this person are now blocked)

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

Water to his Dad, Steam: Hi, Dad, I mist you!

Steam: double-you(w). aich(h). ay(a). tee(t)?

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!