Relationship jokes
Kaden wants to have sex with you.
Your mum lol teehee!
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"
I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
Roses are red.
Grass is green.
I think of you sucking my peen.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him.
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.
"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."
And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"
The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife leave him? She was sick of buying triple A batteries.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"