Relationship jokes
She left, and now I support women's rights. I will kill her.
Your mother.
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
Your mom and dad are never coming back because dad is cumming for another kid.
Man: Can you be my girlfriend?
Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.
Man: Oh, here's your rope.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.
It's a good thing I'm married.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
My mom said, "Hey, come over here."
I responded, "Too late, Mom!"
You know the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"?
Great phrase, bad way to find out you're adopted!
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.
If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."
I hated getting bullied in school because I could never stand up for myself.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
I got jealous when my phone dies.
I got a sister.
That was a big mistake.
Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.
He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"
She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."