What is the orphan's version of a family portrait?
A selfie.
Relationship Jokes
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A man will actually look for the golf ball.
I like your mom naked.
Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
What do you call useless skin on a penis?
A man.
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
Bully: Ha, guess what?
Nerd: What?
Bully: You are adopted.
Nerd: At least I was wanted!
(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?
At least the mistake was loved.
How do you know if your sister's on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny.
What's worse than fingering your sister?
Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
What do my cock and money have in common?
Your mom.
How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.
