My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
My wife told me pass her lip stck but i gave her a glue stick now she is not talking to me
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
my new girl friend is a porn star she would probably kill me if she found out
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Friend:Im gonna go ask out my crush Me: fake sneezes* Sry im alergic to bullshit
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
My uncle and I have some what of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
The Wife said "Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?"
The Husband replied "They remind me of stars Darling!" "Yellow and Far apart"
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
How is $ex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.
A husband comes home from work one day and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won't ever see my dog again! Italian: I won't ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?
