My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
How is $ex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.
She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won't ever see my dog again! Italian: I won't ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?
My uncle and I have some what of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
The Wife said "Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?"
The Husband replied "They remind me of stars Darling!" "Yellow and Far apart"
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
I don't think my gf likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping of a roof
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices
Billy: I'm so use to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long distance relationship
Sally: Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall...
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand? Breakfast in bed!
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole".
The ass replied, "yes, but you still keep coming".
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father in law
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She's 7
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
me: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg, it's finally happening
me: *falls over*
girlfriend: the poison is kicking in
rizz
are you a biographer cause i picture us toghether can i take a picture of you for i can show santa what i want for christmas No pen No paper you still draw my attention you know what i hate about math they always talk about x and y but not about u and i
