Relationship jokes

Men wake up with a boner.

Women wake up yawning.

Coincidence?

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

Cousins on the streets means lovers in the sheets. 😂👀

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

An emo texted a tree, "Wanna hang out?"

The tree ghosted her.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

Why can't orphans eat a large bag of chips? Because they're family size.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.