My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."
My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"
