Relationship jokes

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!

Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

"I love you 😘" was the night you got a iiooooo.

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.

I bet your hairline goes inside your private part, and your girlfriend can’t even touch it.

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get to the house. They turned the lights out. Jill shouts, "It's a dildo, WTF?"

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

What do you call a not potty trained human?

Amber Heard.

You used to be someone’s sunshine, but sorry, the climate changed. 😂😂😂😂

What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?

They can't stand up for themselves.

My dad was a master of art. He was compared to Houdini due to his skill of disappearing.

I fell in love with my teacher.

Which is weird because I am home schooled.

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

Why did the oxygen molecules walk out of the singles bar with excitement?

Because she got Avogadro's number!

My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.

Do you know what's lonely?

Your lips, wanna meet mine?