A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
