Relationship jokes

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Depression hits harder than my dad.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.