Relationship jokes

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Depression hits harder than my dad.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.