"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
So I had a friend who was an orphan and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
what did Chris Brown say when he saw Rhianna
"I'd hit that"
What do you say after committing incest?
No Chromo!
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
today, i asked my phone, "siri why am i still single" and it activated the front camera
Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says, " Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
What is a pedophile's favourite dating site? Kinder
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
9 months later they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
2 years later they went up again then their daughter had a brother.
But 1 little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother..
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk but only one person knows about it.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Dating a striper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down inside they want some too.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what”
Wives are like Grenade’s. Pull the ring and the house is gone
