Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What song do orphans hate the most? "We are family."
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
One time, I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message. Thirty seconds later, I heard my uncle crying in the next room.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address, and my phone number.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."
What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound.
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."
Men wake up with a boner.
Women wake up yawning.
Coincidence?
