Dark humor is like a dad - not everyone gets it.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
