Relationship jokes
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.
We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?
Chromozoned.
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Dark humor is like a dad - not everyone gets it.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.