Puns
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
What happened to the egg after it went on the rollercoaster?
It was scrambled.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
Why was the man running around his bed?
Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable.
What's white and rhymes with Dre? Eminem.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Jokes about menstruation are never funny, period!
Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits!
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
What card is the slowest and slimiest?
Ace-nail.