Puns
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
Why isn't a koala a bear? It doesn't have the koalafications.
I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
Why did the farmer go to the strip club?
Because he was looking for his hoe.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
What do planets read?
Comet books.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?
Anonymouse.
Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.