Puns

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?

Hail, of course!

What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?

Reign!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

I don't have luck with other angels.

So I just WING IT!

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

What's an alien's favorite computer key?

The space bar!

What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!

What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?

I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Running, JK rolling!

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.

The shovel is a ground breaking invention.

*Slaps and laughs*

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.