Puns

What did the skeleton play when he joined the band?

A tromBONE.

Which legendary Dutch wanderer slept for twenty years, except when he got up to pee?

Rip Van Tinkle.

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

I have so many cash machine jokes.

But none of them seem to work ATM.

Q: What is the opposite of 'Dominos'?

A: Domi doesn't know!

What did the pencil say to the other pencil?

Your looking sharp!

What did the angler say to his students at the end of his fishing class?

Catch you later!

Why did the chili blush?

Because it was so hot!

Bill was on a hill. What a hillbilly!

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.

I have a joke about construction.

I'm still working on it.

Tell all the skeleton jokes you want, but I've got thick skin.

What's the difference between the Grand Canyon and a blonde?

The Grand Canyon is a busy ditch.

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.

He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.

She: Why?

He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)