Puns

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

(A tire as in clothes and the tire? U get it? No? I'm lonely. Add me on Xbox: DECIMUS PAX)

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.

If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.

I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."

You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.

I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!

What do you call a Native American with a boner?

A redwood.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

I love you!

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.