I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.
Puns
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A trombone.
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?
Circumference.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What lives on the forest floor?
Forest Gump.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
What do you say to a pig with no nose? You have n'ought a snout!
What's the fastest cake? Scone!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.
1-2-..... and he left without a trace.
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?
Anonymouse.
I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.
