Puns
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
BOB: Wanna know a joke?
LILLY: What? Your hat?
BOB: No, my life :'(
What happens when a clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A trombone.
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?
Circumference.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What lives on the forest floor?
Forest Gump.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.