Puns

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

What’s the best math equation to eat?

Cosine Law.

I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,

but I never realized they suited me.

Getting a book on pasta?

Yes. Just imagine the pastabilities there are!

What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?

Continental Drift.

I hit myself on a window yesterday. I really felt the pane.

The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.

Sand under docks is very resilient. It doesn’t give in to pier pressure.

Once, there were two cupcakes in the furnace. One cupcake said, "It's kinda hot in here." The other one said, "Hah, a talking cupcake!"

A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

8008135 is my favorite number.

The worst ratio is 6:9.

And last but not least, "Why was six afraid of seven?" Seven eight nine. But why was six with nine? Because when you put them together, you get 69. But why was six mad at nine? Because Nine eight six, too.

Person you don't know, my name.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."

Mankind is made of 2 words: Mank and ind.

Do you think the founder of Dunlop was a retired tree surgeon or a hairdresser?

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.