Priest jokes
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
What has 2 legs and loves to play with little kids? The local priest.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.
Q: What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?
A: Alien vs. Predator.
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?
Let us prey.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?
5% of atheists have seen a ghost.
5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?
The devil always has horns... not just around children.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
A pedophile and a priest run a race.
You can’t beat yourself in a race!
What do you call a priest meeting his illegal children?
A holy CUMmunion.
What do you call a priest that likes juice?
A Capriest Sun.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.