Priest

Priest jokes

Woody

What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?

Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.

Altar Boy

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Difference

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

Man

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

Meat

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.

Face

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

Difference

What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?

5% of atheists have seen a ghost.

5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.

Difference

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?

The devil always has horns... not just around children.

Fetish

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

Anesthesia

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Orphan

Why do orphans like going to church?

Because they actually get to say "father" for once.

Night

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

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  • Music

    If a priest listens to sad music in his church, he really enjoys being deep in minor.

    Clown

    Why did the priest buy a clown suit?

    Because the old one had blood all over it.