Priest jokes
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
If a priest listens to sad music in his church, he really enjoys being deep in minor.
I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
Why did the priest buy a clown suit?
Because the old one had blood all over it.
Why is Biden a priest?
So kids call him father.
What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
What is the difference between the subway guy and a priest?
The subway guy didn’t get away with it...
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.
As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."