Prediction jokes

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?