Prediction jokes

Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?

Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.

Hate me all you want, but I rather love bullying in all fairness. I love to watch all the loner kids being abused while simultaneously making a prediction for when which one of them will finally snap and shoot up the school.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

It's hard to predict the future,

especially before it happens.

What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four chin teller.

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

Q: How did the skeleton know it would rain? A: He read the weather forecast.

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

I have the superpower to predict the past.

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

COVID-19 won't last long... it's made in China.

Why did the rapper become a weatherman?

To predict the HEAT of his next single.