Prediction jokes
What did the Brit say to the American?
Well here comes fascism.
Why did the rapper become a weatherman?
To predict the HEAT of his next single.
It's hard to predict the future,
especially before it happens.
How did the Skeleton know it was gonna rain?
He read the weather forecast.
How'd the skeleton know it was going to rain? He looked at the weather forecast.
A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.
That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.
That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.
1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."
2019: The flying cars future.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
Ukraine (🇺🇦) vs Russia (🇷🇺), place your bets!
Why is a ghost so predictable?
Because you can see right through it.
How can you tell if Google is a girl?
It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!
I have the superpower to predict the past.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.
I can see my future in your forehead.
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Hate me all you want, but I rather love bullying in all fairness. I love to watch all the loner kids being abused while simultaneously making a prediction for when which one of them will finally snap and shoot up the school.
I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.
Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?
Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.