25+ Prediction Jokes

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

I can see my future in your forehead.

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

A screenshot of a Google search bar with the text 'help i accidentally joined' typed in and a list of search suggestions below, including phrases such as 'help i accidentally invaded poland', 'help i accidentally restarted the ussr', 'help i accidentally built a jeep', 'help i accidentally summoned a lemon', and 'help i accidentally the cat'.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.