Police

Police jokes

Friend

    • Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

    The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

    After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

    The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

    "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

    His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

    After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

    The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

    The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

    The receptionist responds:

    "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."

  • 1

    • Rapist

    • What did the rapist say to his victim?

    "Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

  • 0

    • Blonde

    • A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.

  • 2
    • Police memes

    Car crash

    • A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

    The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

    The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

    The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

  • 1

    • Crush

    • I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

  • 4

    • Location

    • Me sees crazy man hit a old poor person. Me dials 911.

    Police: What is that location?

    Me: I don't know where is dis location.

    Police: Mission failed, we will try again later.

    Me: WTH?

    Police: Ends call.

    Me: Calls hospital.

    Hospital: What is that location?

    Me: I don't know where is dis location.

    Hospital: Mission failed, we will try again later.

    Me: WTH IS HAPPENDS EVERY TIME NOW EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE.

    Hospital: Hangs up.

    Me: Calls fire dEpArTmEnT.

    Fire: No fire.

    Fire dEpArTmEnT: What is that location?

    Me: Hangs up and give up and goes home.

    Police Officer

    • Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

  • 1

    • Parent

    • Police: Where do you live?

    Me: With my parents.

    Police: Where do your parents live?

    Me: With me.

    Police: Where do you all live?

    Me: Together.

    Police: Where is your house?

    Me: Next to my neighbor.

    Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

    Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.

    Police: Tell me.

    Me: Next to my house.

    Cop

    • How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, they all beat the room for being black.

  • 4