Police jokes

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped? Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?

"I guess orange is the new black."

Did you hear about the bank robber?

Turns out he got shot by the police.

And he wound up in prison.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

When you see your friend, you call the police, but they just moan.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?

So that they can be wanted.

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Why did the police go to a baseball game?

Because a player stole the base.

How do you start a school shooting at a black school?

Call the cops.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

If a white cop had a black dick, would he beat it to death?

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"