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A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...

Why did the bean play Fortnite?

Because it had a beantroller.

Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.

One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.

Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.

Why can't Asians play cricket?

Because they will eat the ball.

Yo momma's so fat that she plays pool with planets.

Why do orphans love to play family?

Because it's the closest they will be to being normal.

Llama: Hey sheep, let's play cards.

Sheep: Llama, fuck off!!

Llama: What's your damn problem?

Sheep: Nothing, I'm just having a Baahd day, okay dick head?

Why can't Americans play chess? Because they lost their 2 towers.

Why are Americans bad at Clash Royale? Because they lost their 2 towers.

Your mom is so fat, she played bowling with the planets.

Why do girls play handball? Because they want to feel balls.

But then why do boys want to? Oh...

The day I saw people asking Lebron James whether he liked to play basketball, my thoughts be like: wait, so Lebron James is gay cuz he likes to play with them balls.

An orphan was playing with a famous baseball player. The baseball player walks up to him and says, "Dude, I gotta teach you." The orphan goes, "Why? I got all your moves down." The baseball player goes, "But kid, you can never find home, though."

What did jptheflip win while playing this server?

Craft.

What do you call a 18+ animal jam?

Play Wild!

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.