Personal jokes

What do you call an autistic person playing a guitar?

Guarded.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

What do you call a person that is both Black and Hispanic and was born on Wednesday? Miérkoolaids.

What do you call a gay person on fire?

LGBBQ

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

When a person in a wheelchair says, "You've never taken a step in my shoes," and you say, "To be honest, you haven't either."

What war did the black community win?

The Obama era. Only to lose to a smarter white person.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?

I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.

I just cut everyone.

Why did the straight white caucasian male cross the road?

Because a black person was approaching.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a trans person?

About 3 years.

What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?

The pose!

I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt

And a person said to me:

"That must be a bit tight round the neck".

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"

Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.