Personal jokes
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.
Me: Me.
Why did the suicidal person cross the road?
To slow down traffic!
Person 1: "I love KFC."
Person 2: "Yeah, me too!"
Person 1: "How many have you gotten?"
Person 2: "How am I supposed to remember how many buckets of chicken I have ordered!?"
Person 1: "Chicken? What chicken? What do you think KFC stands for?"
Person 2: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Person 1: "What? I thought it meant kidnapping foster children."
Person 2: "BLOODY WHATT??"
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.
Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.
Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.
Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?
Bully: How would you know that?
Me: Because she told me herself.
Bully: How exactly?
Me: She's on the phone right now.
Phone: *High pitched animal noises*
Me: Told you so!
Why does the disabled person scrunch his toilet paper up? Because that’s the way he rolls.
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?
A cutting board.
I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:
P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.
Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.
“They are all very tearable,” he replied.
Well, there is one person who gets it!
Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?
Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.
(Not meant to be triggering).
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
"Don't break a person's heart, they only have one."
"Yeah, break their bones instead... they have over 200 of those :)"
Why can’t a gay person walk a trail? Because a gay person can’t walk on a straight line.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Why shouldn't you let a Chinese person play baseball?
'Cause they'll eat the bat!
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
You: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THE KRAP THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH!
The other person: Who?
You aka answer: Your Butt cheeks.
I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.