Personal jokes
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
Vegetarian: I prefer plants.
Herbivore: I just like food.
Cannibal: I'm a people person.
Did you hear the one about the deaf person?
Me: No.
That's because they can't hear, so they don't talk.
Just to get things straight, I'm NOT, I repeat, NOT racist, but this joke goes out to all the people who talk about other people with darker skin than the other person.
Bully: Your skin is so black and ugly (for the 5th time).
Me: I'm so happy you love my skin color!
Bully: Ew, no I don't!
Me: Then why do you keep talking about it?
I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.
Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."
What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?
A Christian.
Person A: Hey, what's the next subject?
Person B: Let me check.
Person B: It's greenglish!
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That's means you like dad more.
Liam: No, its because i like paris.
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?
Liam: I will go to America.
Mother: Why?
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
Leo: Mother, what is an idiot?
Mother: An idiot is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiot is trying to explain to doesn't understand.
Mother: Do you understand?
Leo: No.
Person: Where's your mom and dad?
Orphan: :(
What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?
Dumb.
What do you get when you put a clown, a peodophile, a gay wet person?
Answer: YOUR DAD
Why did the depressed person cross the road?
To get run over.
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
What's the difference between a midget and a tall person? Only one of them can ride the rides.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
Why do you joke about Helen Keller?
She was a good person, and she learned sign language and learned to talk. So why DO YOU MAKE FUN OF HER!
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."