Personal jokes
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
What's the difference between a midget and a tall person? Only one of them can ride the rides.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
Why do you joke about Helen Keller?
She was a good person, and she learned sign language and learned to talk. So why DO YOU MAKE FUN OF HER!
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
A person went to tell a joke: "Knock knock!" "Who’s there?" "I don’t remember!" (I think we need to moove on to the next joke now.)
I just now made this one up! Then I realized it is in the cow category, so I added the moove on part! 😂
What do you call a person who cares for chickens?
A chicken tender.
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
What has two names and one big home?
A person.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
Somebody told another person that they would meet at the crack of dawn.
Let's just say Dawn got very mad.
Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.
No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
Everyone when we're in the cafeteria singing happy birthday to some random person: "Happy birthday to you..., Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
Me in the background: Happy deathday to you..., Happy deathday to you, happy death day dear___, happy death day to you!"
What’s the difference from me and a gay person? You.