When was the only time you could see people base jump without a parachute?
2001/9/11.
What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?
The no-bell prize.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?
Most people: No.
Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road? Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?
They’re just two weeks to quit.
Hey mum, why do people keep suddenly dying in our family?
Mum?
Mum?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...
Who are the fastest readers of all time?
People who jumped out of the Twin Towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts lolololol hahahahah.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???
