People jokes

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

The more people who like to eat Tide Pods, the less idiots we have in the world. 😁

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Do you know how Chinese people roast? They say, "Boy, if you don't get your chi chong head, boy!"

The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.

Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.

What's one thing gay people can't draw?

A straight line.

How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.

Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

There's two types of emo people:

1. People that cut side to side.

2. And people that cut up and down.

The most efficient is up and down.

There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.

When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.

In heaven, an angel asks him why.

“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”

People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.

Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.

People are like potatoes.

We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

Why were the people during 9/11 mad because they ordered pepperoni sandwiches, but they got two planes?

Why were the people in the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plane.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.