People

People jokes

Why were people not happy before they were part of the LGBTQ+? Because they weren’t gay.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

  • 1

    • Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?

    'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.

    People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."

    God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"

  • 2

    • Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

    answer the phone with this:

    "Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

    or

    "Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

    Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

  • 1

    • Stressed Out - By - Twenty One Pilots and watersharky Music Productions - I wish I found some better sounds No one's ever heard. I wish I had a better voice That sang some better words. I wish I found some chords In an order that is new. I wish I didn't have to rhyme Every time I sang.

    I was told when I get older All my fears would shrink. But now I'm insecure And I care what people think. My name's Blurryface and I care what you think. My name's Blurryface and I care what you think.

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out We're stressed out

    Sometimes a certain smell will Take me back to when I was young How come I'm never able to identify Where it's coming from? I'd make a candle out of it If I ever found it Try to sell it, never sell out of it I'd probably only sell one. It'd be to my brother, cause we have the same nose Same clothes, home grown The stone's throw from a creek we used to roam But it would remind us of when Nothing really mattered Out of student loans and tree house homes We all would take the latter My name's Blurryface and I care what you think My name's Blurryface and I care what you think

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out

    Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face singing "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship And then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face singing "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out

    We used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship And then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face saying "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah

    Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

    Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

    Why don’t Chinese people model? Because it would look like the same model every time.

    Astronaut In The Ocean-By- Masked Wolf and watersharky Music Productions-

    Astro-naut

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

    She say that I'm cool (damn straight)

    I'm like "yeah, that's true" (that's true)

    I believe in G-O-D (ayy)

    Don't believe in T-H-O-T

    She keep playing me dumb (play me)

    I'ma play her for fun (uh-huh)

    Y'all don't really know my mental

    Lemme give you the picture like stencil

    Falling out, in a drought

    No flow, rain wasn't pouring down (pouring down)

    See, that pain was all around

    See, my mode was kinda lounged

    Didn't know which-which way to turn

    Flow was cool but I still felt burnt

    Energy up, you can feel my surge

    I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy)

    Let's just get this straight for a second, I'ma work

    Even if I don't get paid for progression, I'ma get it (get it)

    Everything that I do is electric

    I'ma keep it in a motion, keep it moving like kinetic, ayy (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

    Put this shit in a frame, better know I don't blame

    Everything that I say, man I seen you deflate

    Let me elevate, this ain't a prank

    Have you walkin' on a plank, la-la-la-la-la, like

    Both hands together, God, let me pray (now let me pray)

    Uh, I've been going right, right around, call that relay (Masked Wolf)

    Pass the baton, back and I'm on

    Swimming in the pool, Kendrick Lamar, uh

    Want a piece of this, a piece of mine, my peace a sign

    Can you please read between the lines?

    My rhyme's inclined to break your spine

    They say that I'm so fine

    You could never match my grind

    Please do not, not waste my time

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean.

    Hey guys, I’m back, just wondering if anyone is still on this that wants me to make more.

    Can people please shut up about "male privileges"? There is no right that men have that women don't.

    Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.

    Women have the right to choose parenthood; men do not.

    Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.

    Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.

    Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.

    Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.

    Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of "women only" events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us.)

    Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas.

    Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.

    Women have the right to domestic violence shelters.

    Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic dispute.

    Women have the right to rape a man or boy, and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy, they can sue him for child support.

    So it is women who have more rights.

    So shut up, feminists, please.

    Inmate 1: Why are you in prison?

    Inmate 2: I killed 4 people and robbed someone, what about you?

    Inmate 1: I blew up a school bus.

    Inmate 2: OMG, you demon! Were they autistic?

    Inmate 1: No, they were Fortnite kids.

    Inmate 2 (who is Muslim): Halelouia, we have found the messiah!

    What's the difference between a redhead and an orangutan?

    Some people adopt orangutans.