Patient jokes
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why did the doctor turn the orphan down?
Because he is a family doctor.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.
Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.
Lil Jimmy: Why?
Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.
Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."