Patient jokes
Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?
Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?
An arti-“choke”!
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Why did the doctor turn the orphan down?
Because he is a family doctor.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.