Park jokes

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got "fine" written all over you.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man!

Could a parking garage also be called a broom closet?

Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?

I really like those "driverless cars." I saw loads of them last week in the car park.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

What does Michael Jackson and Chef from South Park have in common?

They both say "Hello children!"

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)

Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

My blind friend got ran over by a parked car.

Why can't orphans go to an amusement park?

Because they don't have parents!

So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

White comedy week:

Monster Truck Monday

Trailer Park Tuesday

White Trash Wednesday

Take Your Sister Out Thursday

Fox News Friday

Storm the Capitol Saturday

Say You’re Sorry Sunday

Bird on the beach: seagull.

Bird by the bay: bagel.

Bird down south Philly Walmart parking lot: illegal.

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"

The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"

Your mum is so fat, she gets hit by a parked car!