Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."
Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.
Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"
My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.
Why do black men have nightmares?
Because the only one that had a dream got shot.
POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
Why was the orphan so successful?
They told him, "Go big or go home," he only had one option.
I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.
What did one orphan say to the other orphan?
"Robin! Jump in the Batmobile."
A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
