One jokes

Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?

Because they only gave him one test tickle.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

Why can’t orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy".

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?

That there's twenty of them hoo hoo hee hooo harr haar dee harr harr

What’s one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

What is the one thing wrong with Asian pet stores?...

There is always a kitchen in the back.

There is one rapist among us.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.